Sick and Tired of being Sick and Tired
I've been sick pretty much on-and-off over the last two and a half months. Nothing terribly bad, mind you, just some common cold- or flu-like symptoms.
Still, this has been enough to knock me out and keep me in bed multiple times - and even in the in-between phases, I've not been feeling entirely 100% either. I've missed deadlines in my job because of this constant stop-start-stop dynamic, I've not been able to do many of the things I wanted to do or work towards some of the goals and challenges I'd set for myself. And worst of all, I've not been able to really enjoy many of the things I could still do based on a lingering feeling that this could have been so much more and/or better, if only I'd been well.
It's been an overall very annoying time to be honest.
What it has given me though, is time to sit and reflect on who I am and what I do right now, how I interact with the world, and how all that differs from who and how I want to be.
And I've noticed that although I have indeed grown and changed over the last few years, much of that growth has been what I would deem "accidental". I've made great strides on things that I did not intend to change (mind you, this is not a bad thing), but on basically all the things I wanted to become or change about myself, less progress has been made than I would like.
The passive framing there is not accidental, as most of the changes I wanted to make and actually managed to do have been based on external forces guiding - or forcing - me to. And though I am thankful for them pushing me ever onward, it is time for me to start pulling my own weight, and actively pursuing who I want to be again.
(As a quick side note, I've noticed in hindsight that I'd finally managed to somewhat get to work on myself more actively around 2019 for the last time - and then in 2020 something appeared to have happened that drove me right back into my old modus operandi and stopped any change dead in its tracks. I wonder if that is actually true or if I'm just biased by whatever happened around that time - and now blaming all my problems on that even though it didn't really affect me falling short in reality?)
Anyway, I've decided to take up a more active role in my own life again. I'll call it my New Year's Resolution (because these always work out flawlessly, as we all know) to finally get back on track towards being who I want to be. Will it work? I don't know. But I think it's time to try (again).
Starting this blog is the first step in this direction. I've never been much of a posting person - I'll maybe spell this out in a separate entry in order to reflect on it myself some more - so this is already a hurdle I've now crossed. And it's not even 2026 yet, so go me!
Maybe this will work out and there will be more to read. Maybe this is a one-and-done and next week I will have found something else to keep me occupied. We will see.
Until then, this will be my little corner where I keep conversations with the Void (that's you!). Will the Void listen? Will the Void answer? I honestly don't care.
The Void is just an excuse for me to think about myself and put my thoughts somewhere in a more organized fashion. We'll have to wait and see how much my thoughts rebell against this idea.
The Void awaits more thoughts, and I will work up the strength to confront it again in the future. Until then.